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Those Dark Days Before Sunrise: #WOW #Blogadda #MondayMusings

 

This was my first entry for the BlogAdda prompt, “The Day Before Sunrise” and I won. I’m proud to be showing off the winner badge.

 

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I have seen many a dark nights, tossing and turning in bed, as sleep would continue to elude me; till the wee hours of the morning. Those were my darkest nights. Thank God that they are now a thing of the past. This is my story from a few years back. Sleep had become my elusive companion and depression had cloaked me in its gloomy shroud, refusing to leave my side like a clingy, petulant child. The more I tried to push it away, and fight it; the more it clung to me, manipulating the inner recesses of my mind. My days were spent wallowing in self-pity, at the same time ironically trying to put up a brave and confident front for the world at large, as though nothing was happening to me, and I was a very happy person. But deep within my being, I was fighting what seemed like a losing battle, day in and day out.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, I thought it would be the perfect platform to share my personal story. A story that I never have shared in the past. But in my case, I must admit I was very depressed and did not want to continue living a miserable life, yet I never attempted or contemplated suicide. The reason I write this blog post is that because I feel somewhere my story will give a ray of hope, to those battling depression and emotional health illness.

To begin with, I had no reasons to be depressed. Life had been good to me. It had given me lemons, but I felt incapable of making the lemonade. The dark days were a thing of the past. I’d already crossed a few challenging hurdles, and life was giving me a second chance. A very rosy, and promising second chance, I must say here. But, the chemicals in brain were playing havoc. They were going all haywire and were not allowing me to utilise the good that had come my way. I stayed up innumerable nights fidgeting, worrying, agonising over inane things and also scrolling my phone screen, getting more depressed seeing all the happy updates on Facebook. Everyone it seemed, was making merry and had a great life, except for me! Well, I did have a great life too, just that at that point of time, I was clueless where my emotions were taking me. I was caught in a quandary and had become an emotional yo-yo.

Β  I wanted to have a career, but at the same time torn about leaving my little one home (who was a toddler then) and stepping out to join a full-time job. I have always been a very independent woman and the very idea of ‘asking” for money from my DH, for my shopping, or other requirements, made me feel like I was being a burden. Somewhere money was proving to be my biggest nemesis. The more I felt the need to earn, the more unhappy I became from inside. I was doing a few consulting assignments here and there, but nothing close to earning a lot of moolah.

Gradually my dark, gloomy nights became long, drawn. Those sleepless nights, that would bring me down to my knees, when I would cry, waiting for the sun to rise and for the day to begin. When I managed to sleep, I wouldn’t want to wake up at all. Though sleep was my elusive companion, it also became was my best friend. After all it helped me forget the worries and quieten the non-stop chatter in my head. When I would wake up in the mornings, I would feel an indescribable sense of melancholy, like a ton of bricks weighing upon my heart. It seemed as though I was mourning something. Mourning the lack of happiness I suppose!

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Photo Credit: www.kinksarethenewpink.com

I totally believe in this quote. It is during these challenging nights and days, that my family and a very close friend stood by me, rock solid helping me cross this enormous hurdle. Yes, it goes without saying that it wouldn’t have been possible to overcome the depression hadn’t it been for my inner resolve, as well. My DH, my mother-in-law, my best friend, my father and my now 19-year-old daughter who was then kid; were my true pillars of strength. I could open my heart out to them. Though my friend was in a different town, she held my hand and helped me tide through this. Somehow I felt, she understood me the most. Of course I took help from the medical fraternity as well. I went for therapy, I took antidepressants (seriously, no harm in taking those.) I still don’t understand the stigma around them. We can take medicines for BP and Diabetes and other ailments, so why not for mental illness? Doesn’t it count as an illness too? You wouldn’t hesitate to take medicines for any of the above, so why not for depression?

I have realised, it’s very important to talk to a loved one when you are feeling depressed. But its uncanny that a depressed person wants to withdraw further and further into their shell and not talk at all. It’s part of the emotions that set in at that point of time. It’s important to break out of that shell and reach out, before the symptoms aggravate and things become worse. They did for me many times, as I kept telling myself it was all right, or that things would get better. When they actually weren’t.

It also helped for me to break away from the shackles of a mindset that focussed on money. My husband earns and that is enough for now. We lead a happy, comfortable life. The moment I moved my attention from money, to doing what made me happy, my life changed three sixty degrees. I started writing/blogging for myself to start with. I took to my passion like fish would to water. And I instantly became happier. I still continue to take up writing projects, but the only ones that stoke my passion. So moolah does flow, but I’m not chasing it anymore. Baby, money can’t buy you happiness, I promise you that (I know I say this over and over again). But that’s a realisation that dawned late in the day for me.

I also want to share here that I went for alternative remedies. I have been taking Tibetan medicines to help me heal. Spirituality-Buddhism in my case, has given me a lot of strength in this journey as well. I’ve come a long way. It’s been more than a year, since I came out of the harrowing grip of those dark nights and was able to shed the cloak of depression. I may still have a long way to go. But then the sun has been shining and smiling bright for me every morning.

Each morning I wake up to thank the universe for a blessed sunrise. After all Those Dark Days Before Sunrise Are Over.

 

 

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β€˜This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.’

 

I am taking my Alexa Rank to the next level with #MyFriendAlexa with Blogchatter

 

 

 

monday-musings

29 thoughts on “Those Dark Days Before Sunrise: #WOW #Blogadda #MondayMusings

  1. Priyanka Vermani says:

    Very beautiful I also suffered from postpartum depression and didn’t know how to get out of it. Noone, absolutely no one prepares you for the emotional ride motherhood is. I hate the fact that the entire society is pushing you to take the plunge without wanting to know if you are ready for it!

  2. Rashi mital says:

    I can relate to a lot of things here. Living in a cocoon after delivery, the weight of earning anymore and asking for financial support, and most of all looking at my professional life getting stagnant. M glad to have overcome my dark days too now. But, unlike you, I still don’t want to think about them. I want to keep those dark days locked up in the corner of my mind. I know its really difficult to come out of such situations, but you did it. and m so glad. not everyone can. πŸ™‚ Cheers!

  3. Corinne Rodrigues says:

    Thank you for sharing, Natasha. From the first time we connected, I felt a bond. I’ve been there too, though I put on a better mask. It’s amazing how faith in life and love can draw us back, if we let them. β™₯

    • Natasha says:

      Big hugs back at you Corinne. You are one strong woman and a brave heart and I have always looked upon you for these admirable qualities.
      Yes it is just faith and love that wells forth so much strength from within our beings.
      Much love.

  4. Vasantha Vivek says:

    This is really needed for those who are in depression. You have penned your feelings and thoughts so nicely. Happy that your dark days are finding brightest sunrise these days. Happy to join with you for #MyFriendAlexa !!!

  5. Shilpa Garg says:

    So proud of you, Natasha. It takes a strong woman to share her story and a stronger woman to overcome it all. It’s sad that mental health is still a taboo. Glad that you had a strong support system and you broke the shackles that pulled you down. A big hug to you!!

  6. Lata Sunil says:

    Just sharing your experience will surely help many people to deal with depression. Thanks for sharing. If only the stigma around mental illness is banished, many people will seek help.

  7. Kala Ravi says:

    You brave, brave woman! You are incredible, you know that? Your post is a ray of hope, a beacon for those passing through similar turmoil. You right, money doesn’t bring happiness. It is those loving moments and little joys that make life worth living. Stay blessed dear. The best is still to come!!

  8. Rajlakshmi says:

    I am so moved by your story. It takes immense strength to get out of this phase, these are days when sorrow becomes so addictive that you are drawn towards it. I am so happy that you found yourself again and that you had constant support. Indeed we shouldn’t shy away from talking about seeking help or taking anti depressant. Thank you for sharing your story. Love and hugs <3

  9. Obsessivemom says:

    Thank you for that post Natasha. I’ve been there. Everything you said rings true, everything. That I have pretty much all I want in life – and yet somedays I long to get back to work, the thing about money, not wanting to share too much of what I’m feeling with anyone, not wanting to exercise. Whew! So glad that you could pull yourself out of it.

    • Natasha says:

      Yes, Tulika, it wasn’t easy but then the effort was so worth it. It’s nice to wake up to a beautiful morning instead of one where I bemoan my life.
      I guess it’s all about taking charge of ones emotions and letting life run its course. Controlling life is never the solution.
      And most importantly to do what one is passionate about. I’ve always seen that it’s creative people who are most prone to depression. That especially when their creativity goes unutilised.
      I’m hope that you were able to overcome those dark days too with as much strength. Much love and big hugs too.

  10. Sheethal Susan Jacob says:

    I know this takes strength, immense strength to say all these loud. Hugs to you. I have also gone through a phase of depression. But never knew it then, I was sad, insomniac,cried whenever was alone, tolled long hours just been in bed without a wink of sleep. Hated those happy FB posts, deactivated social media just because of that. But when I forced my attention to other things, become engaged in groups and social causes it changed. But those times gave me strength to see things in different perspective, to be more kind an understanding. Everything happens for good at the end. Hugs <3

    • Natasha says:

      Hugs back at you Sheethal. I’m hope you are doing good now and yes it’s been a learning journey for the two of us in this case. Everything does always happen for a reason. Clouds and rain to give way to the rainbow with the pot of gold.
      Keep smiling

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