Ma: My Shakti, My Warrior Queen

Ma: My Shakti, My Warrior Queen

This nebulous February afternoon, I realise my post “When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going”   was written with a divine purpose. Everything in life is synchronous. I do not believe in coincidences. That post probably spilled out of my being, so that it could be a reminder that was the only way to be;  positive and strong. 

If you my readers feel that my blog posts have been melancholic for the last month or so, then you can actually hop across to this gratitude post I wrote early this week. 


I’m truly grateful that 2017 was one dazzling year for me. 2018 has been a bit of an uneven journey; more troughs, less crests. On Monday I started my week with a gratitude post. Later that evening I received a call from my brother informing me that Ma was critical. We booked the first tickets out to Lucknow and rushed to be with her. I’m so blessed to have my DH standing by my side like the rock of Gibraltar and also my two girls who have shown the true test of resilence and positivity in this difficult time. 

Everything in life is synchronous, I do not believe in coincidences. Click To Tweet


Young and Radiant with Scooby in the 80s

It’s been six days now, after Ma had a renal failure, from the cancer that she has been fighting strong for four and a half years. The doctors recommended life support and dialysis. Ma never wanted to be put on a ventilator and we as a family also chose to not go that path. We have spent the last few days tending to her, pouring all our love into her being. The first day when I arrived at the hospital, she looked happy to see me,”Tui aeshey geli?”  (“You’ve come?”) I fed her with my hands everyday. She asked a few things in the throes of pain, “Bombay kobey jacheesh?” (“When are you off to Bombay?”) The DH and I stayed over the night. When the DH said good morning to her she asked him, “Alok Naha liya?” (“Have you bathed?”) That question again cropped up in her head when he came to back to be with her after a few hours. This time, Alok told her he had bathed and come. She seemed happy but after ten minutes, as if to check on him she opened her eyes and asked,“Kab nahaya” (“When did you bathe?) We were amused by her sharpness and alert mind even in that state.

Her first outing/picnic after her first victory with Cancer. Jan 26, 2014

She acknowledged friends and family who came to visit her with so much love and gratitude; reaching out with her weak hands to greet them, her eyes sometimes welling up. It was so heartwarming that her love for people had not failed, even as her body was failing her. She has been a “peoples person” truly personified. She thrived in company. 

She had her last meal on Thursday night.She was refusing the khichdi and porridge. So I asked the hospital to give some Semolina Kheer, which she seemed to relish. Just a few spoons though. I get my sweet tooth from her. I’ve spent nights next to her, checking on her every other hour. When I woke up next to her, I  played the Mahamrityunjay mantra, or Hanuman Chalisa. She seemed to really enjoy it. She has always been a musically inclined person. Even last evening I played the some soothing mantras. I have also chanted morning evening, sitting next to her. 

She said “Goodnight, Shona” to me on Thursday night when I went home leaving her with a heavy heart, not knowing what the night would hold. We have all been on a stand by, taking turns to be with her through the day and night. The last six days have begun with so much unsurety. Our phones, our mind everything is on the stand by. When a new morning dawns, we look at it with an uncanny sense of pessimism, optimism and some realism. We are filled with hope to be able to be with her in flesh and blood, at the same time enveloped with a tinge of  sadness that her pain only gets prolonged further. 


My Bro and SIl, true lifelines

My incredibly amazing brother, sister-in-law and nephew and not to forget the man I idolise, my father, the wings beneath my wind- the DH, my girls and me included have been all such a support system to each other. Amidst the passage of time, and the slipping moments with Ma, we have held on to each other, cried our hearts out, or even enjoyed a hearty meals to ease the stress, shared some old memories and laughter. While Ma was conscious we kept her humoured. My brother and Ma had a unique rapport. They are two very lively people whose relationship was based on banter and teasing. And for the first three days while Ma was conscious, Dada, my brother, kept that banter alive, and the rest of us played along.


Bro and Ma
Babi (Dad) and Ma

We are truly blessed to have friends and family who in the last six days have travelled different cities to come visit Ma and shower her with abundant love. That apart friends and family have sent prayers, healing from off-shores and around, that have kept all of us going strong. My prayer group Connect Ticket has been my pillar of strength and my dear friends, Sri and Chitra, the Connect Ticket parents have helped me power through this, like they do each time. My Soka Gakkai Buddhism family has also sent abundant chants of Nam Myo Ho Rengey Kyo.

We are all stardusts waiting to be set free. Click To Tweet

Yesterday afternoon Ma slipped into coma. The doctor says it’s a matter of time. We are all praying for her smooth, peaceful, timely passage; so that she is liberated and contented in the other world. After all we are all stardusts waiting to be set free. I never imagined it would come to a point; where we would have to pray for my mother to transit to the other world. But this is the best we can wish for her. For her pain to abate, for her to be free, for her to leave this insignificant space called earth, knowing she is loved beyond her imagination, beyond the realms of space and time; by not just us, but so many others. 

My dear friend Chitra shared this beautiful quote yesterday:  


Footnote: This morning, 4th February, 11;25 A.M. when I was chanting next to Ma, I got this strong sense of communication, possibly from her and the universe at large that she wants to fight this out. That she wants to live. Miracles do happen. The doctors may sound the final knell, but we never know what the design plan of the universe has in store. Keeping that in mind I surrender myself to the will of the divine beings. I pray for the best possible plans to be laid out in her path of life. Amen to that!

12 February, 2018: Ma crossed over to the other side of the rainbow last Monday, 5 February. She now rests in peace cradled in almighty’s loving arms. It has been a week of mourning and celebration. Mourning at the loss of a mother/wife/grandmother/friend/aunt and celebration for a life well lived, a life that only knew how to spread abundant cheer and love.





24 thoughts on “Ma: My Shakti, My Warrior Queen

  1. Miss you masimoni always……remember my Pantnagar days when you make me feel at home away from home……..where ever you are I know your blessings will be always with me

  2. I read about Aunty first and this post later. ‘We are all stardusts waiting to set free’, this touched every corner of my heart. She will watch over you always and never stop being your Shatki. May she find peace on the other side of rainbow. Hugs and prayers, Natasha! Lots of love as well!

  3. Such a beautiful post, Natasha, and a wonderful tribute to your mum. I am reading this just as I read the news of her passing. I hope she passed peacefully and I do think she will continue to watch over you. This is the best tribute any daughter could give to their mum. Much love to you!

  4. “We are all stardusts, waiting to be free”, This just broke my heart as beautiful as it was.

    More strength you strong and positive women like you.

  5. Hugs, dear Natasha. This was heartbreaking for me to read and not without getting all teary because I can imagine how difficult this must be for you and the entire family! This is a beautiful tribute to a beautiful person and I hope and pray that aunty finds peace very very soon! This too shall pass, my friend, no matter how difficult it may feel now. Stay strong, my friend!

  6. I can feel how difficult times Ur mom and Ur family is going through .All we can do is pray . Moms are the second God in our lives and it’s very hard to see them in pain .

  7. My eyes welled up every now and then as I read this post, Natasha. Mothers are the angels who are always looking after us. And, when a mother lies in bed, fighting a battle, how helpless one must feel! Hugs to you, dear girl! I wonder how you managed to pen down this post. Sending prayers and positive vibes your way. May you all find the strength to face this battle, and may your mother find peace.

  8. I cried too when I read through this, Nats. All the memories of when my mum passed flashed in front of my eyes. Moms — they are just so amazing, our lifelines. I am so happy that your family is there with you and that you are spending your time with her. Like you said, what is meant to happen will happen. But you have the peace of being at her bedside. I will pray for her and for all of you. May God give you the strength to live through this and emerge stronger. Know that she will always be with you. Lots of love and hugs!

  9. This cannot have been easy to write, Nats. Not with everything you’ve gone through. I had tears welling up as I read different parts of your post. The love for aunty, the love she exudes and receives in return. May it all be the most powerful force in the world to result in the best possible solution. I shall pray for the strength to help see you and your family through this phase. For aunty to be healthy, if that is meant to be. And for all the love in the world to come to your door, today and forever. Keep praying.

  10. Natasha, I am touched by this post. The love and strength of your family, your faith and belief, your mom… It has deeply moved me. I am sure your mom is happy to have raised such an amazing daughter and to be loved at this time of life. It’s hard to accept fate and one always starts wondering about what ifs. But you are so strong… Your beliefs keep you going. Hugs and lots of love to you.

  11. Dear Natasha
    My prayers are with you all.
    Bhabhiji – a beautiful person inside out – suffering so much but with that radiant smile of hers , perhaps hiding her pain from her loved ones- showing the brave person she is.
    I cannot express like you do.
    My regards to Sir and love to you all.

  12. This really broke my heart… as a doctor who works in the ICU, I live the other side of this life – the person who has to inform the relatives at the end. And the truth is I have hardened up over the years because of having to face this constantly. Your post reminded me of the aspects I have chosen to be blind to.

    I will pray for you and your family.

  13. Di… u have always been my strength whenever I felt weak… and u got this nature from Aunti… I wish some miracle will happen and she become normal like earlier… I never want u to go thru same pain I felt few months back

  14. So touched as I read your beautiful piece……and can relate to it too. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  15. Hi Natasha, Nice articulation of the moments shared with “MA” Infact this word itselft is a symbol of strength and dedication!! Don’t worry- “it will pass”….She might loose on battles but for sure will win the war and warriors are known for it.

  16. I can relate to each and every word you have written. I can also relate to each and every second you are going through my best friend. Sitting so far i can just pray give you hugs…pranam to my dearest auntt. It feels my mom is slipping again through my hand….
    Besti forever…

  17. I cried as I read through this, Natz. A fitting tribute to your Ma who smiled through all that life threw her way.
    Praying that peace comes to Aunty. Strength to you and the family .

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